a not-so-typical gay guy's love story

I am gay – but I once feel in love with a girl.

I have been settled and assured with my gender preference ever since I was in high school. Truth of the matter is, I have really affirmed my gender after a failed attempt to settle with a girl back then. Anyhow, that isn’t the topic of this post, so turning the story; it was during my college freshman year in Ateneo that things went weird.

She was a typical girl, an ordinary pretty lass from somewhere north of Bicol. She was the usual gal, silent a bit but is truly worth talking with should you be given a chance; which happened many times to me (chuckles). She was a hot chick actually, that kind of girl that not all the famous boys would pile up to to court but is definitely someone whom the serious guys with serious intentions pursue. She was the perfect gal to date, she was smart and sensual, funny and God-fearing. She’s a jock when she is around friends and a serious Atenista when times call for one.

I was, well, gay. But during my freshman year it was not given nor clarified. I was more of a guy-with-tendencies, and nobody in our block has ever asked my gender preference –yet. So I was, one of the boys for most of my classmates. I was the silent type, the not-really-very-viral-but-is-a-smart-guy with a zipped up mouth (hahaha). Well for a proper adjective, I was a bit a typical guy with a bit of brains and a silent ground. I was not very comfortable talking with my blockmates initially because am the only one from my school who came into Ateneo. I was like, adjusting really.

When the second semester came and I have adjusted quite well already; she became my seatmate on Psychology. And the rest was history.

I have a crush on a guy from our block, but I also have a crush on her; a thing that never happened to me, ever. It was really weird seating beside her. I get curious and all, all the time. Do I smell like this or do I look like that. I felt like a high school kid trying to impress my seatmate.  

The day came when I decided to try it, to speak up. Valentine’s day of that year I ordered a single rose from my very own organization, which was delivered during one of our major classes, when I was seated quite far from her. Although I wish now that maybe I should have ordered from, somewhere like philfora.com for a more intricate design, but anyhow, that morning, the flower that came in was really something. It was way too simple, but it carried much of my happy thoughts, much of my pagmamahal (hehhe). And up to this day I still recall the feeling.

To cut this short, she then knew how I felt towards her. But, like I have said, I am gay and perhaps she knew am better off as one (heheheh). We’re still friends now and she’s currently taken by someone better than I. He cares for her as much as I have hoped I would also for her.

But life really knows better. I am happy that she’s truly happy now. But I would never forget that day my rose told her everything I was feeling, for at that moment, I truly loved her. (things are different, though, now heheh)  

the truth sets everything free – even ...

There are many things in life that’s hard to express.

Hindi madaling magsulat ng real emotions towards a person you might like, or hate.

Hindi rin madaling sabihin sa taong gustong gusto mo na, well, gusto mo sya.

Kung may sakit ka din tulad ko, hindi din madaling sabihin sa lahat ang mga ayaw mo, ang mga peeves mo – kasi nga naman, arte lang – baka ganun isipin nila.

Kahit gaano ka na kagalit sa gago nyong kapitan o di kaya sa babaero nyong Mayor, di mo naman magawang sabihin sa facebook – try mong maCyber Crime Law.

Maski gustong gusto mo nang umamin kay pudra na wis mo talaga bet ang girl na nirereto nya dahil si pareng George ang bet na bet over to the bones mo talaga, eh kalma lang, baka ma deads pa si papa sakaling mag big reveal ka anytime.

Saklap noh?

I stumbled upon an Instagram post from Ryan Chua days before, and it has this thought.

(see original post here: http://instagram.com/p/gGE-LnQWp7/)

If you all really think that HONESTY is a virtue, why?

Napaisip ako. It got me thinking na baka nga, to be honest is not at all, or always the best way to be.

Come to think of it, there exists bliss in the ignorance of certain things. Perhaps others simply have to put another person into the picture and realize that maybe, just maybe, shutting up is the best. Not saying is the best. It has not always been dishonesty when you are not, well, primarily honest, maybe sometimes it is called being civil, being educated. It is like putting the blinders on, so that not a person outside could see the dirty laundry inside. It is simply, censorship – in a far more complicated way.

I have my share of stories, of MY personal experiences when I simply have not been honest – for the better. It has kept many of my, mostly filial and business relationships intact. I have a few friends with whom I know I have not been truly honest with, but we’re really thick now, so why risk breaking the relationship. In short, I have been wiser, I have to.  

Here is the catch though.

None of my closest friends, as in none, have been DISHONEST with me, nor have I been.

My closest of friends know not everything about me, but everything that stirs concern, no matter how hard it may fall on them, I have never kept. I have a few people in my life that appreciates the brutality of an honest friend, a friend that knows when to speak – and how to.

You see. I think the two sides on this actually give us benefits. Using them well only depends on, who else, but the user. The world is a wonderful place, but it is partly evil for a fact, thus playing with HONESTY is one thing that has no general rule. Granted all these, tantya tantya din ano?

The truth sets everything free – even evil. So speak carefully. 

An Open Letter to a Friend…

You would never really fully be able to love anyone 

should you not be really fully be able to love yourself, first.

 Cliché, but like most clichés there is a brutal truth to it 

– it’s TRUE.

We go through our own mistakes. 

We all, one time or another, got hurt or hurt someone in return. 

Only after the storm though shall we learn. The heart knows better after it breaks. 

Contrary to what others think, the heart actually learns better to trust and to love  with all its might – after it has been broken. That is because, only a broken heart is open, only a broken heart has gaps to fill – only a broken heart knows how painful, is painful.

Only a once broken heart can love and love beyond hurting.

So hang on my friend, the journey has just begun….

To your heart’s journey, I say KAMPAI!

the heart beats with the wrong tune

It all started with one broken heart, and I guess it would also end with another broken heart.

He, with a conked out heart, wanted some time to think, to breathe and maybe, to forget the pain. With the sun racing towards the horizon, the air started to feel colder, the bright day light slowly turned to bright orange and pink streaks, soon it turned dull, then velvet, sooner the street lamps started to flicker and served as the brightest light around. He was seated for hours that the motorcycle parked near has fallen asleep and the crickets started to chant.

She, with a searching heart, came with a book that comes with the title How to be really really HAPPY. She sat at the bench and for hours read the pages of the book until the sun raced towards the horizon, the air started to feel colder, the bright day light slowly turned to bright orange and pink streaks, soon it turned dull, then velvet, sooner the street lamps started to flicker and served as the brightest light around. She was seated for hours that her shoes had already fallen asleep and the crickets started to chant.

He soon met her. And she, met him halfway.
They’ve met on a windy twilight; this bench knows the entire story.

Soon, he was driving fast to the park and she would wait at the bench. He would cry his heart out, and she, would listen with her heart, slowly being filled up. He talks, she listens, up until the street lamps become the only brightest light around.

Soon, the bench smelled coffee, pizza came in too. It saw some smiles, soon, laughters.
And so, he found her, and she found him.

But alas, she found herself falling.

But, one day as they were seated at the bench, she came – came back.
She has never seen him that happy; but she, found herself never been so sad but now.

He took the drooling motorbike, its engine, alive again, he rode off, with her.
And she, was left with her book and a memory.

Minsan, the heart beats with the wrong tune, 

but that doesn’t mean it’s not the song of love. 

Yakapin ang sakit, at hayaang tumibok ang puso. It’ll grow tired soon, and move on.

the hunter and the hunted

[fiction] originally written: 10.5.10

It was a rainy day and I was on my red hood running through the wet forest floor off to the south were the trees that grows beehives trod. I was running fast that I didn't notice her innocently trying to find her way in that forest, trying to counter follow the track that I am hastily running on. I was hurrying and she was slowing down – then there was a bump. 

Ouch! - and so that’s how I first saw Snowwhite.

I didn't like her for that; she made me roll on the ground and mess my red hood.

But for a while, I got used to seeing her, she found her niche in this forest we were both trying to consider home. Sooner, the forest became warmer, the trees greener and the sun soon was able to kiss the forest ground that calling it a home was meaning it.

Sooner, she found her friends - that included me.

And sooner than soon; she even found the hidden garden where she met this hunter. The hunter was, like all other hunters, rough and tough. But Snowwhite saw the child in him. She saw the beauty his fierce eyes. And sooner than the whole forest dwellers knew, the hunter wooed the damsel who despite her bewitching charm was equally charmed by the man.

Soon, roses grew and the bloomed red.

For long, the hunter and Snowwhite made every forest dweller equally charmed and envious of the love that binds their souls that the world soon revolved around them while the rings bind tighter and stronger.

Until one day, the hunter announced to Pooh and friends that the ring of passion between them has finally died that the roses has withered.

And so here I am, sharing my honey jar with this damsel in distress, seeking the best words, giving her my warmest hugs and trying hard to tell her that the sun shall soon shine while deep in my mind trying to figure out what went wrong.

The hunter hunted the forest’s most beautiful, 

and just like all hunters, left her for another game.

I just don’t understand why others settle for second best.

SONGS from a PIANO

The auditorium looks ghostly, just the way you like it.

It’s almost eight and I know in a while I would hear your songs again. Isn’t it funny, I don’t even know what those melodies are called, but just like you said in our Humanities class, music does communicate better when it’s left nude, I need not hear a word to understand that you have a heart that keeps many secrets, the music you play is enough.

I can still remember that day when you said that, you were seated at the back of the room, denim pants, white shirt and glasses on, you were like the coolest nerd I have ever seem. You were one of those guys, the ones whom I love to listen to in class, the ones that are so mysteriously sexy, sort of.

Since my past relationship, I have never fallen this deep – writing you letters for me to keep, watching you from afar, dreaming of holding your hands. Ah! You’re the biggest joy and pain that my heart had. But I know our situation, you, Adrian Chen, are a university jock, you’re one of those guys that girls here would go crazy for. And I am out of that league, probably nobody to you. We attended the same high school though, but aside from that, I have no other connection with you.

Kaya naman, for almost a month now, I have been doing this. It’s quite pathetic but lurking here at the backstage seems better than watching you play in front of a large audience, your songs here seem more real, more conversational, more meant besides I think there are some songs that you only play here.

These were the thoughts running on my head when I heard that voice, that familiar voice.

‘I would like it better if you stop lurking here, there’s a chair near the piano, I don’t mind having company’

For a moment, or maybe longer, I was speechless.

You know I watch you practice? – was my smartest response.
Damn, I just admitted my crime.

‘Since day one’

Crap! He knows, since day one, that I have been sort of stalking him? My, my, I just want to melt and disappear. But I had to face the situation, and him. I stood and turned around, faced him, who to my surprise was smiling, childlike – a rare thing.

But before I was able to say something, he took my hand. Adrian took my hand! I was breathless.

‘I need no explanations’ – ¬was the only thing he said before he offered me a seat, and played.

I was head over heels. He played ‘I will’ a Beatles classic, a song dear to my heart, a song though which I have never heard from him before.

I have a confession to make. – he said after the song.

To me? I asked.

Yes to you.

You know me? – was my confused response.

Since day one – he smiled, and looked at me in the eyes.

What do you mean? What’ is it you have to, err, confess?

He took a paper out of his pocket, looked at me and started to read.

The paper looked familiar, and I have known why when he started to read.

My T-shirt Guy,

Forgive me for looking at you, from afar.

Forgive me for dreaming of holding your hands.

Forgive me for loving you, hopelessly loving you…

He was not able to finish because I grabbed it off his hands. It was a blog post, at a blog that only my closest friends know, friends I know are not friends with him. Damn, I was really melting then; my eyes were befriending the floor already when he held my face.

Look at me.

I am not good with words, he said, that’s why I play the piano to say things. I play my songs here, where no one hears, where the one I have wrote it for isn’t around. Because just like you, I made sure I would not really be heard. But I was wronged, you were wronged. You have heard my songs, just like I have found your blog.

Confused, I whispered ‘I don’t get it.’ 

Before I fainted, I heard him say –
Gab, I was looking at you first, from afar.

Like the sun dying for the moon...

because loving is selflessly giving

I do not intend to ask to much,

but to love another soul is to catch a bullet for his heart.

Loving is not owning, it is freely giving. 

Pain is but a validation of its depth, 

but it is measured more by just tears. 

Like the sun dying for the moon,

and the moon doing the same...

.. to love is to die.

And get the oxytocin flowing...

I have been basically feeling good lately. Living with Bechets Disease for almost two years now, I am at a state that we call remission phase. Googling that word would lead you to articles saying that the symptoms of cancer has had subsided, for a while or for good. So in a note, this is phase of good days and happy mornings. 

So why do I need OXYTOCIN? You might me asking. Thing is, its actually a brain chemical that's associated with trust and attachment. In other words, it is something that makes us feel we are being intimate with a special individual. That my friend is what I have been craving for, really craving for lately. 

Aside from the physical aspect of intimacy, which I have had been able to satisfy in lots of ways in my recent past. My need now for intimacy is more primal. I simply seek a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and a heart that would be willing to hear my heart out. 

I did some reading about this topic and found on Oprah.com, an article that tickled some thoughts in me. 

 Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends. 
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze. 

Read full article here: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Building-Intimacy-Gender-Differences-in-Intimacy

Relate-able! I found myself nodding on some thoughts I have found over quite a few online journals. I simply really seek for more intimacy, for connection and feeling of being able to share a part of me to a person who's willing to accept all of which.

Although I truly agree when Helen said: 

Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.

More than looking for a hook up, my heart really seeks for the real thing. I want coffee dates, movie dates at home, I want to watch the stars and waste Saturday nights with someone. I seek for laughter, for happy tears and all those things you get from having been truly connected.  

So yes, as I have promised in my post before this, 

this my friend is a confession of how isolated I feel lately

and how much INTIMACY, I know I need.  

*** 

Have a great weekend, folks!

i think i need INTIMACY, back

This is a post that's currently being researched on, 

debated and deliberated in my hearts conference room. 

haha

so while the process of putting words in what I have been feeling, 

strongly feeling lately, 

allow this pic to somehow give you an idea where am now

:) have a great weekend ahead, folks! 

to grow old with...

Turn Down

I turned downed a guy days ago...

and, though I wish not to further elaborate,

I'd like to share some of the lines I gave away that night.

( Can you love someone knowing that you will lose him in the end? )

( If you know that you'll get hurt, or hurt someone. Then why still try? Sometimes, He who knows how to surrender is braver. )

***

have a happy week ahead!

hugs xOx

#SUNNIER

***

***

SCREW IT, 

AM NOT INLOVE :D

#LOVE

*** 

.

i have said 
enough 

***

#LOVE

for now, I’d count every star

As to why am I even writing this, I also don’t know.

It is clear to me though, that I want to start a new chapter with you. As to how, I’d leave that for the coming days. But as to why, I’d like to quote one of my texts to you, maybe one day, it would all make sense.

It isn’t new to me to be totally head over heels over someone – acting on it, though, is something rare. I have been good in keeping things to myself and, mind you, I did intend to do so. But…

But the bubble burst. 
And now am again listening to Westlife and A1, oh boy! These bands are like my ‘ohh-you’re-falling-dude-jams’. And like I have been telling you, I can’t get you out of my mind. It’s funny how you turned everything around. Funny, how suddenly the world has got a new radiance.

I have promised myself I’d just play around; I’d just go with the flow and expect nothing from people. I have love and lost a couple of times, and yes, I have been coward enough to try again. The fear of being, yet again, left behind is just so unbearable. But…

But, then again, you seem to be an exception.

I love every little thing about you (granted the very short time we have known each other)

I love the way you stubbornly neglect my texts.

I love the way to put two dots every after a sentence (and I don’t know why)

I love the way you dance, oh boy, you’re the hottest thing on the dance floor.

I love the way you talk.

I love the way you carry yourself.

I love the fact that you drive.

I love the fact that you’re settled and contented.

I love the fact that you’re effortlessly sexy.

I love everything about you.

And oh, how I hope to hold your hands over a sunset.

How I hope to spend a night on the beach with just you, a warm blanket and the stars above.

How I hope to hold your hands and walk by the sea side.

I can’t wait for those lips to touch mine.

I can’t wait to spend a warm night by your side.

Oh how I hope to fall asleep on your shoulders.

I wanna hold your hands all my life.

Oh how I dream of cooking dinner for you,

give you a massage after a hard day’s work.

I look forward to listening to your stories over a warm cup of coffee.

I have been like this since that night…

I dream of happy ever afters with you.

But…

Like you have said, I should CHILL.

And perhaps, like I told you yesterday.

Perhaps it’s right I slow down, as He who goes slow, sees more. (DreamHigh)

For now, I’d count every star I’d whisper my wish to…

…that one day, we’d meet halfway.

7 Benefits Of Being Intimate

A blog repost, turned into men's perspective,

of the original article done by Meagan Morris for Cosmopolitan, published at Yahoo.ph. 

Click here for the original article.

...

Okay, we know sex is all about maxing out pleasure. But it turns out it's good for your health, too. Jennifer Landa, MD, chief medical officer of BodyLogicMD and author of The Sex Drive Solution for Women gives us the low-down on the health benefits of sex.

________________________________________________________________________________

1. It Boosts Your Brain

Sex increases your body's dopamine levels-the hormone that improves your memory and motivation. So basically climaxing is the gift that keeps on giving.

2. It Burns Calories

Don't feel like hitting the gym? Grab your gal and head to the bedroom. A 30-minute romp in the sheets can burn upwards of 150 calories. That's like running a mile on the treadmill!

3. It Destresses You

We're all stressed to the max-and all that worry releases the stress hormone cortisol. The problem with cortisol? Having too much of it in your blood stream can lead to everything from high blood sugar to weight gain. When you get your freak on, it helps you relax, lowering the stress levels in your body.

4. It Keeps You Healthy

Regular sex with your partner can actually prevent colds, thanks to the hormone prolactin. This hormone has an important role in strengthening the immune system by increasing the production of T and B lymphocytes (aka immune cells). We'll take that over chicken soup any day.

5. It Helps You Sleep

When you have sex, the cuddle hormone oxytocin is released. That increases your bond with your partner, but it also helps you sleep. How cool is that?

6. It Makes You Bendy

Think of sex like a good strength training session: You use a ton of muscle groups during a good ahhhhs. And it's a lot more fun than doing squats at the gym for an hour.

7. It's Good for Your Heart

The hormone testosterone is good for the heart. Sex helps increase the release of the hormone, which in turn improves your energy levels and strengthens vital body parts, like your muscles, bones, and heart.

the persons we love, err want

I hate it when I don’t get what I want.

The problem with us pampered kids; we became too used to having the things we have wanted that we have become brats. Growing up in a middle class family I got the chance to lay my hands on virtually what all the other cool kids have. I have the nicest shirts, the newest toys and we go to the theme park every weekend. I get to eat at the mall with my favorite meal at my favorite food chain while I sit at my favorite spot wearing my favorite shirt. So yes, I was (maybe still am) SPOILED. In a way, perhaps, because I did not really reach the tantrum stage and bargaining phase that most spoiled kids had. But the thing is, I was (and still am, I admit) used to having the WANTS I have.

Fast forward to now, and the Brat Brent have grown up.  When one finishes college and started working, the next big step is finally allowing the self to find a possible companion as one goes through the ladder of life. In a few words, the grown up brat is now ready to fall in love, to settle and to have someone to snuggle with.

But the thing is, this process is quite a hard thing for those who have become too used of having what they want. Because this time, the ‘want’ is a breathing individual capable of deciding whether he might ‘want’ you, too. – not to add, who might actually be as brat you are.

Let me simplify my blubber above; brats find it hard establishing a relationship with someone. Simply because of REJECTION. Rejection is a word that brats do not know. And commonly, the very first taste of this is from an individual who they have ‘wanted’, but did not ‘want’ them back. I know, I just know.

I do not blame my family for having loved me the way they have, but days like now make me wish I was taught that I would not have everything I have wanted, or every person I have wanted, err loved.

It’s a hard thing, but I am learning. I’d raise my glass for having learned something.

To all the brats! May we be loved by the persons we love, err want.

LOVE, and love like...

I have helped a friend in making a video still for a poem reading event by coming up with lines for the story board, or as we call it, power lines. I have done a number of story board presentations before and I have been in love with both the still frames and the lines of such presentations that I usually blog about them. So, first for this blog is this, which I call -

An Ode to the Broken.

There are more than 7 billion people in the world…

living different lives…

spending good times with unique circle of friends…

fussing about different things…

and running around different worlds.

There are more than 7 billion people in the world…

with different circumstances …

with different pasts and different dreams.

How is it not true then, that destiny exists?

That out of all random circumstances…

still, two hearts meet…

and beat as one?

Many may have tried and lost,

And many have found the one.

Many may have cried and lost,

But it doesn’t mean that even for once…

He has not loved…

She has not loved…

And have not been loved in return.

LOVE is as vast, as complex and inexplicable as life itself…

There is no other way to fully understand, but to live.

So go ahead…

Fall in love,

Do stupid things together,

Laugh

Cry

Brave the word together…

And find your soul’s greatest desire…

Love and love like you have never loved (and hurt) before.

Many of us may have tried and failed, but i'd like to leave you with a wisdom I have picked from Plato.

When asked 'Why do people continue to fall (in love) while they know they might get hurt in return?'

He answered with a question;

Why do we continue living, knowing that one day we would die?