Thursday, October 24, 2013


not for a life time.

This thought has been bugging me, well quite noisier lately. 
In the absence of a clear future for me, 
nothing really comforts but the thought that today, 
at this very moment, 
I could be happy. 

The passing days have been tormenting knowing that most of the dreams I have had are slowly fading with my vision. 
But I take perfect solitude and calm in the thought that this too shall pass. Funny how my opening line came into my mind. I was, of all places, at the loo for you know, and then IT came in. Para san pa nga ba ang buhay ko? There are dreams fading, but now new ones are also getting in. I suddenly remembered my mom and how early she left - and how i survived it. The time after her passing and the moment I have completely moved on. I remember the things I used to cry over with - and how funny they seem now. The funny concerns I have had when I was in high school and how stupid they seem now. 
Life's like that really, sakyan mo na lang. The fears that we have now would all be over and things would be better. 
Cliche, pero bahala na si Batman!   

I am afraid of what life has to offer because I really don't know what's ahead. And then it hit me, who really does know?

TRIP lang ang lahat, kaya dapat chill lang, kalma. 
Mabulag man ako o hindi, maging masaya man ang lovelife ko o hindi, what matters most really is 
how THIS VERY MOMENT is spent. 
As you know, tomorrow might not really any more come to me, so why fret. 
Let's LIVE, let's live in this moment!

to life, cheers!

Sunday, October 20, 2013

scared to death

There is a cool song from KC Tandingan that belts these words out – in tunes so enduring and sensual I can’t help but feel it, too.

Well, the thing is, I have been scared to death the moment my right eye also suffered from what my left eye had suffered from. Does it scare me to be blind? YES. Does it scare me that my medications might give me its pay back? YES. And am I scared to live in a world where I might become nobody because, well, am sick – and worst, blind? YES.

The fear reaches its peak whenever my medications are low, and my emotion is down. Funny how a friend could turn an entire day around, but in the absence of a friend – or just any soul worth talking with, the emotions turn sour. I really find it funny, for a guy like me, to act like a preggy woman making lihi. Life, eh?

But the fears are actually becoming far more, really, real.
Now especially, that in spite my medications, my eyes seem to be stubborn enough to keep whatever these inflammations are. Sometimes I just really hope that, sige na, mabulag na kung mabulag and let’s have this over with. But most of the time, wag po muna. Wag na po.

It’s past twelve now, and I can’t find the slightest reason to sleep. Aside from because my medication is still in effect, my condition has been reminded to me yet again earlier today. Mahirap din subukan maging masaya kung di mo magawa yung mga gusto mo. This is really the saddest part. Another thing is that my friends, who are all over the world now are living the lives we’ve talked (and dreamed about) once. Asan ako?

Am so scared to death – and I just can’t help but cry.
No more tears are running down, but the pain is still there, and it scares me so much that one day I’d end up losing everything – everything na pinangrap ko.

(breathe in)

Inhale courage (and hope). 


Monday, October 14, 2013

Saturday, October 12, 2013

WISDOM - from a three year old

I was browsing through my personal FB account 
when I stumbled upon this post from Mr. Kengkoya local brand for bags owned by a friend, 
and this actually made me reTHINK of the three years old that I was.

Funny how many life lessons we can learn from kids, eh?
So think back folks...

.. back when...



25 Things You Keep In Your Life That Are Only Holding You Back

(An original by: Charlotte Green)

1. The phone numbers of people that never, ever call you or text you first, and often don’t even respond when you text them.
2. Mean or uncomfortable exchanges with people — either in your text or internet history — that you occasionally go over and re-read because they make you feel angry and terrible all over again.
3. Subscriptions to online stores that you can’t afford, and which send you tons of emails and texts about the sales you should not be spending money on.
4. Bitterness over the things that your friends or coworkers have, that you might not be able to afford or have time for.
5. Expectations about having “the perfect” significant other, or someone who is going to make you feel better about yourself/fix your problems in a way you’re not able to do on your own.
6. Facebook friendships with exes that you have no interest in talking to again, and only keep around so you can occasionally stalk their new significant other.
7. Facebook friendships with people you don’t really know, don’t care about, and who post ridiculous things that always make you roll your eyes.
8. The idea that you have to keep up with all of your friends professionally, even if you don’t want the same things or have the same backgrounds, just so that you can impress them on social media or at parties.
9. Roommates who don’t respect your personal space.
10. Subscriptions to magazines that make you feel ugly, fat, poor, and unstylish.
11. Friends who only like to hang out with you or keep their plans when it involves drinking and spending a lot of money, and who otherwise aren’t that interested in being around you or hearing what you have to say.
12. A sense of entitlement about the amount of material things you think you deserve in life, especially when it’s much, much more than you need to be safe and comfortable.
13. Desire for name-brand and the latest version of everything, even when the generic brand or off-brand is just as good, or when you could get the item at an outlet store as long as you were willing to wait a season.
14. Pictures of you where you think that you look so much better in, and that you torture yourself with by looking at every day when you are feeling particularly ugly.
15. All of the old clothes and accessories that you no longer wear or use, which just clutter up your closet, and could easily be donated to people who would actually use them.
16. Junk food that you know you’re going to binge-eat if you keep in your cabinet or refrigerator.
17. People who constantly make weird comments about superficial things that make you feel really self-conscious.
18. The idea that you need to go to a coffee shop on the way to work every morning to get breakfast/coffee, when you could just as easily take two minutes to prepare things yourself most days and save hundreds or thousands of dollars a year.
19. Shame over the amount of debt you are living with.
20. Memories of the time that you label “the best time of your life,” which makes you consciously feel as though everything else you do won’t compare or will just be part of an overall downward slope.
21. Old medicine from when you had a minor surgery or dental procedure, which you will now just take recreationally even though you know that’s a terrible idea.
22. Resentment for your friends who are in happy relationships, because part of you feels like them having love success somehow means that there is less hope out there for you.
23. The idea that the amount of work you can do is directly correlated with how much time you spend at the office or how long you spend working at home. (A work-life balance, or being able to do more work in an efficient amount of time, is way more important than putting in overly long hours.)
24. Family members who make you feel terribly about yourself, who contribute nothing to your life, and whose only connection to you is genetics at this point.
25. Love for people who will never love you back, no matter how much energy you devote to caring about them and wondering what they’re doing at this moment. 

Friday, October 11, 2013


( I planned to post this on the 23rd of September, my birthday. But for reasons, I thought it might not be, you know, appropriate. But reading it again this afternoon, I have realized, this isn't really much of a self-pity post, it's my life now. so here you go...) 

I planned this year to be awesome – apparently it’s not.

I planned this coming birthday of mine as a blast, something worth remembering, but I guess this ain’t gonna be. I’d rather have a small, but meaningful, birthday celebration here at home. Pansit and some chiffon cake would be enough. But of course, I’d love to hear them sing happy birthday to me. Nothing much to expect; nothing much to look forward to; but should I say this would be my saddest birthday, I’d say no. this would be one of my most meaningful. And yes, this would also be something that’s really enlightened.

My family, the very family I have been so proud of has got issues, has got many little secrets that now I know. My sibs have got their issues too; all of them have got a thing or two that they keep dear to themselves. Others, with others. My niece and nephews are all growing, well, older now. And all of them promise a great future ahead. These things make my family, well, normal. It makes it complete – so perfectly flawed that I love it! These are the things that make my days, lately, full of reflections – and yes, new dreams.

Life at 23 is something that others look forward to. 
But do I have the courage now?      

in the end...