I try my best to not fuss about my health. Aside from looking like someone who’s throwing a pity-party, it is not also anyone’s business, so I just keep it to myself, most of the time. I have long learned that in life, nobody really cares. We’re all focused with our personal concerns, own insecurities and problems and personal victories that we really are not capable of truly being there for anyone. It is just another fact of human life; we’d never fully understand anyone unless we step into their shoes.
(PS. am not jaded with LOVE, lols)
So let me be selfish with this post and allow me to think and talk aloud about myself – and my concerns.
It is hard living differently; it is hard being different per se. Much of my thoughts, since the day I have been redirected into a life way too different from the one I have planned, are covered with fear. Day in, day out. I live and breathe fear. Fear of what getting a worse strain after a medication, fear of loosing entirely my vision, fear of being left unattended (I know that sounded irrational, chuckles), fear of being a burden to my family, fear of going though extreme side effects. I fear, a lot - you got the picture.
Of course I try to be positive and up for the sunny side, but the fact is that, like most afflicted, there is a silent sad retreat to fear – every time we’re confined to ourselves. There is a sad recollection of the things that used to be, when our health has not yet limited our capacity. Sometimes, there is also that sad revision of dreams forgone – all because things are different now.
I am not going to exhaust the average life expectancy – but that does not sadden me, it’s the thought of being not able to do the things I want to – within the length left of me. Every day I pray for strength – for more of which, so that I’d be at least, be able to take full celebration of what’s granted.
I have not lost the gusto to live – although this post might sound a bit sad and melancholic, my heart actually beams with hope. Gratitude for each day lived and hope, dire hope, for a better tomorrow.