is there really heaven

When I was still a kid, I was a special kind, all because I was my mom’s son. I was never like the others, I was among the others. I have had special needs – and wants. Am not allowed to go out the house and play under the sun like any other kids, I still remember sneaking out during siestas, when mama is but asleep. I was, well, truly taken great (not just good) care of my mom.

And tonight I really wish she’s alive. I miss mama so much, and I miss being special.

After she passed away, my life really turned around. The kid who was spoiled with everything he needed, and wanted became a pick pocket (yes, I was) and started stealing from people for food. He became much of a disgrace, a dirty disgrace.

Soon after, I was picked up from the miseries of life by my brother, who became my guardian. Though I wish he took a harder hand on me, he gave me a better life. A better future awaits, or so to speak.

But life yet again is testing me, and here I am again, asking if there really is heaven.

Hurt by the turn of events, I have no other choice but to keep a rather stronger heart. It is hard living the life I live, granted that hope is yet again, seemingly, fading away. Kung alam mong isang araw darating yung panahon na mabubulag ka, na maaring iiwan ka din nila, na maaring ang buhay mo ay magiging isang malungkot na kwento – kakayanin mo pa ba? When all you ever wanted was to sing and laugh and cry with your family. When all the things you ever wanted to do was to simply be happy with them, pero mukhang hindi mo na magagawa dahil magiging pabigat ka? Where do you draw strength from?

When all your life gusto mo lang maging okay ka, maging masaya with not much but enough, matatakot ka bang malaman that one day you might not be really be able to even take care of yourself? Masakit isipin ang bawat sa sagot sa mga tanong ko, but day in, day out since September, sila na ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.

There was a time that the pain surged and all I ever wanted was to die, and find out if there really is heaven. Pero takot din ako, at ayokong mamatay nang talonan. I still want to win in life.

Pero may mga araw at gabi talagang gusto ko na lang din sumuko…

and perhaps answer that question about heaven’s existence.

Siguro doon, mas masaya, mas magaan ang buhay.

Siguro doon, hindi na ako mabubulag…

Siguro doon yayakapin akong muli ni mama and tell me it’s alright..

Siguro doon may aakay din sa’kin, sa aking pag iyak…     

(This post was written on a rather emotional phase, pardon my drama, but I just want to let it out)