Monday, September 16, 2013

Monday The 13th

It's Monday here in the Philippines, and yet this doesn't fall on a rather ordinary day, well at least not in my category. The 16th of September has never been an ordinary day - since my Mom left. 

This year marks the 13th year of our loss. And God knows how much I miss her. The tears I have shed would never be enough, I guess. I just shed some earlier, yet again. Oh well, Mama has never been an easy topic. She was my star and my only hero then, well until now she holds a special place in my heart, and for that being she would forever be the only woman who can make me feel the way I do. 

I remember the last night we spent. Me and Papa were exhausted because of the long day we have had. We were all excited for bed after watching some TV flicks, and Mama was being the usual her, a bit tired, too. Never did I expect that it would be the last of her that I would see - alive and breathing. 

13 years have passed. These years all have had a pain in them whenever my Mama gets to be talked about. I miss her, I miss her a lot. There were times that even during my Junior year, I was still crying over thoughts of her. I guess when your Mom passes away, part of you also passes away. I have felt that, and now, yet again, I can feel it. There would always be that missing piece. I don't care how you might find this post cheesy, or even irrelevant, but this is my way of coping up and hopefully, living a better life - which Mama would have always wanted for me and her family. 

She was our greatest hero - our best friend and worst critic. She was my protector - and my teacher. I have always wanted her to teach me a thing or two. And I would forever be grateful for the moments we have had together. Although my time with her was the shortest, I know in my heart of hearts how much she liked me, how much we loved me. She was never the greatest of mothers, I know, but she did her best to be. And for that, calling her the BEST MAMA would never even be enough. She was more than that.

So days like this really give me a sad thought. Losing her that early was really tragic - but life has to move on and life has simply have to be. Where ever she in heaven, I know Mama watches me with pride and great joy. I might not be the perfect son she have always wanted to be - but I know I make her proud. I know I make her cry too, and laugh and be the mother she has always wanted to be over me. Even in her absence, I have always felt her guiding hands. And for that, I thank her way too much!

This post just really intends to shout to the world how loving my Mom was, my mama is. And for that I'd also like to ask for a little prayer from you, may she continue to be happy in heaven, where the angels and saints; and her Almighty Father celebrates the beauty of life and the life ever after with her.



Sunday, September 8, 2013


There are things that are meant to scare us, some to scare us to death.

Well, I guess I have this scared-to-death tendency especially now that my medications are high.
Scared-to-death is one thing that’s common in my make-up, in my structure or whatever; I know you get the point. But there is also one great thing about being way too scared, you usually cling on to a thing or two for hope – or at least for your survival even for just a night.

The way we see things greatly affects the way the world sees us in return. Frankly, I haven’t been the best of a person, but the world has had rewarded me with good company. My deeds have been recognized and I have been, so to say, celebrated at my own right. I have been an Atenista, a true blue Atenista and I have performed well in the field I have chosen to belong. In a line, I have been living a life.

Until things changed; until my health took most of my dreams away and reminded me, in my weakest, that I am nothing – that I am no one.

Now I don’t even get to fix much of the way I look. I don’t even mind being unable to bathe. It is not because I have lost my sanity, it is because I have gained more wisdom, I would like to think. I would be turning 23 come the 23rd of this year. And God knows how much I have wanted to ‘change’ my life. But life changed me instead. My entire life’s plan is gone and it’s replaced with something far greater than I to comprehend. Perspectives have changed and so did my life – for the better. Although I have to admit that my scared-to-death tendencies are still way too fresh, am also far more happy-to-death each time I turn a thing or two into a reality. Each time I am able to actually help one – without even intending to, or even noticing. It is fun to be a real person; a person who hurts and cries – but also learns how to laugh and laugh some more.

My sister said a line that took lots of my old self;
“Pwede ka naman talaga palang maging masaya, without pushing yourself to much”
D*mn right! And for that, I loved her even more! I understand how and why she behaved the past months – and partly, I also understood myself better. This line doesn’t make me perfect or my sister; but with so much hope, I really wish this opens us to changes, to greater positivity – and yes, even to a deeper and far more appreciative way of living.

I hope same for you! Thanks for reading! :)