is there really heaven

When I was still a kid, I was a special kind, all because I was my mom’s son. I was never like the others, I was among the others. I have had special needs – and wants. Am not allowed to go out the house and play under the sun like any other kids, I still remember sneaking out during siestas, when mama is but asleep. I was, well, truly taken great (not just good) care of my mom.

And tonight I really wish she’s alive. I miss mama so much, and I miss being special.

After she passed away, my life really turned around. The kid who was spoiled with everything he needed, and wanted became a pick pocket (yes, I was) and started stealing from people for food. He became much of a disgrace, a dirty disgrace.

Soon after, I was picked up from the miseries of life by my brother, who became my guardian. Though I wish he took a harder hand on me, he gave me a better life. A better future awaits, or so to speak.

But life yet again is testing me, and here I am again, asking if there really is heaven.

Hurt by the turn of events, I have no other choice but to keep a rather stronger heart. It is hard living the life I live, granted that hope is yet again, seemingly, fading away. Kung alam mong isang araw darating yung panahon na mabubulag ka, na maaring iiwan ka din nila, na maaring ang buhay mo ay magiging isang malungkot na kwento – kakayanin mo pa ba? When all you ever wanted was to sing and laugh and cry with your family. When all the things you ever wanted to do was to simply be happy with them, pero mukhang hindi mo na magagawa dahil magiging pabigat ka? Where do you draw strength from?

When all your life gusto mo lang maging okay ka, maging masaya with not much but enough, matatakot ka bang malaman that one day you might not be really be able to even take care of yourself? Masakit isipin ang bawat sa sagot sa mga tanong ko, but day in, day out since September, sila na ang tumatakbo sa utak ko.

There was a time that the pain surged and all I ever wanted was to die, and find out if there really is heaven. Pero takot din ako, at ayokong mamatay nang talonan. I still want to win in life.

Pero may mga araw at gabi talagang gusto ko na lang din sumuko…

and perhaps answer that question about heaven’s existence.

Siguro doon, mas masaya, mas magaan ang buhay.

Siguro doon, hindi na ako mabubulag…

Siguro doon yayakapin akong muli ni mama and tell me it’s alright..

Siguro doon may aakay din sa’kin, sa aking pag iyak…     

(This post was written on a rather emotional phase, pardon my drama, but I just want to let it out)

a not-so-typical gay guy's love story

I am gay – but I once feel in love with a girl.

I have been settled and assured with my gender preference ever since I was in high school. Truth of the matter is, I have really affirmed my gender after a failed attempt to settle with a girl back then. Anyhow, that isn’t the topic of this post, so turning the story; it was during my college freshman year in Ateneo that things went weird.

She was a typical girl, an ordinary pretty lass from somewhere north of Bicol. She was the usual gal, silent a bit but is truly worth talking with should you be given a chance; which happened many times to me (chuckles). She was a hot chick actually, that kind of girl that not all the famous boys would pile up to to court but is definitely someone whom the serious guys with serious intentions pursue. She was the perfect gal to date, she was smart and sensual, funny and God-fearing. She’s a jock when she is around friends and a serious Atenista when times call for one.

I was, well, gay. But during my freshman year it was not given nor clarified. I was more of a guy-with-tendencies, and nobody in our block has ever asked my gender preference –yet. So I was, one of the boys for most of my classmates. I was the silent type, the not-really-very-viral-but-is-a-smart-guy with a zipped up mouth (hahaha). Well for a proper adjective, I was a bit a typical guy with a bit of brains and a silent ground. I was not very comfortable talking with my blockmates initially because am the only one from my school who came into Ateneo. I was like, adjusting really.

When the second semester came and I have adjusted quite well already; she became my seatmate on Psychology. And the rest was history.

I have a crush on a guy from our block, but I also have a crush on her; a thing that never happened to me, ever. It was really weird seating beside her. I get curious and all, all the time. Do I smell like this or do I look like that. I felt like a high school kid trying to impress my seatmate.  

The day came when I decided to try it, to speak up. Valentine’s day of that year I ordered a single rose from my very own organization, which was delivered during one of our major classes, when I was seated quite far from her. Although I wish now that maybe I should have ordered from, somewhere like philfora.com for a more intricate design, but anyhow, that morning, the flower that came in was really something. It was way too simple, but it carried much of my happy thoughts, much of my pagmamahal (hehhe). And up to this day I still recall the feeling.

To cut this short, she then knew how I felt towards her. But, like I have said, I am gay and perhaps she knew am better off as one (heheheh). We’re still friends now and she’s currently taken by someone better than I. He cares for her as much as I have hoped I would also for her.

But life really knows better. I am happy that she’s truly happy now. But I would never forget that day my rose told her everything I was feeling, for at that moment, I truly loved her. (things are different, though, now heheh)  

the truth sets everything free – even ...

There are many things in life that’s hard to express.

Hindi madaling magsulat ng real emotions towards a person you might like, or hate.

Hindi rin madaling sabihin sa taong gustong gusto mo na, well, gusto mo sya.

Kung may sakit ka din tulad ko, hindi din madaling sabihin sa lahat ang mga ayaw mo, ang mga peeves mo – kasi nga naman, arte lang – baka ganun isipin nila.

Kahit gaano ka na kagalit sa gago nyong kapitan o di kaya sa babaero nyong Mayor, di mo naman magawang sabihin sa facebook – try mong maCyber Crime Law.

Maski gustong gusto mo nang umamin kay pudra na wis mo talaga bet ang girl na nirereto nya dahil si pareng George ang bet na bet over to the bones mo talaga, eh kalma lang, baka ma deads pa si papa sakaling mag big reveal ka anytime.

Saklap noh?

I stumbled upon an Instagram post from Ryan Chua days before, and it has this thought.

(see original post here: http://instagram.com/p/gGE-LnQWp7/)

If you all really think that HONESTY is a virtue, why?

Napaisip ako. It got me thinking na baka nga, to be honest is not at all, or always the best way to be.

Come to think of it, there exists bliss in the ignorance of certain things. Perhaps others simply have to put another person into the picture and realize that maybe, just maybe, shutting up is the best. Not saying is the best. It has not always been dishonesty when you are not, well, primarily honest, maybe sometimes it is called being civil, being educated. It is like putting the blinders on, so that not a person outside could see the dirty laundry inside. It is simply, censorship – in a far more complicated way.

I have my share of stories, of MY personal experiences when I simply have not been honest – for the better. It has kept many of my, mostly filial and business relationships intact. I have a few friends with whom I know I have not been truly honest with, but we’re really thick now, so why risk breaking the relationship. In short, I have been wiser, I have to.  

Here is the catch though.

None of my closest friends, as in none, have been DISHONEST with me, nor have I been.

My closest of friends know not everything about me, but everything that stirs concern, no matter how hard it may fall on them, I have never kept. I have a few people in my life that appreciates the brutality of an honest friend, a friend that knows when to speak – and how to.

You see. I think the two sides on this actually give us benefits. Using them well only depends on, who else, but the user. The world is a wonderful place, but it is partly evil for a fact, thus playing with HONESTY is one thing that has no general rule. Granted all these, tantya tantya din ano?

The truth sets everything free – even evil. So speak carefully.