scared to death

There is a cool song from KC Tandingan that belts these words out – in tunes so enduring and sensual I can’t help but feel it, too.

Well, the thing is, I have been scared to death the moment my right eye also suffered from what my left eye had suffered from. Does it scare me to be blind? YES. Does it scare me that my medications might give me its pay back? YES. And am I scared to live in a world where I might become nobody because, well, am sick – and worst, blind? YES.

The fear reaches its peak whenever my medications are low, and my emotion is down. Funny how a friend could turn an entire day around, but in the absence of a friend – or just any soul worth talking with, the emotions turn sour. I really find it funny, for a guy like me, to act like a preggy woman making lihi. Life, eh?

But the fears are actually becoming far more, really, real.

Now especially, that in spite my medications, my eyes seem to be stubborn enough to keep whatever these inflammations are. Sometimes I just really hope that, sige na, mabulag na kung mabulag and let’s have this over with. But most of the time, wag po muna. Wag na po.

It’s past twelve now, and I can’t find the slightest reason to sleep. Aside from because my medication is still in effect, my condition has been reminded to me yet again earlier today. Mahirap din subukan maging masaya kung di mo magawa yung mga gusto mo. This is really the saddest part. Another thing is that my friends, who are all over the world now are living the lives we’ve talked (and dreamed about) once. Asan ako?

Am so scared to death – and I just can’t help but cry.

No more tears are running down, but the pain is still there, and it scares me so much that one day I’d end up losing everything – everything na pinangrap ko.

(breathe in)

Inhale courage (and hope). 

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