moments

WE LIVE FOR A MOMENT, 

not for a life time.

This thought has been bugging me, well quite noisier lately. 

In the absence of a clear future for me, 

nothing really comforts but the thought that today, 

at this very moment, 

I could be happy. 

The passing days have been tormenting knowing that most of the dreams I have had are slowly fading with my vision. 

But I take perfect solitude and calm in the thought that this too shall pass. Funny how my opening line came into my mind. I was, of all places, at the loo for you know, and then IT came in. Para san pa nga ba ang buhay ko? There are dreams fading, but now new ones are also getting in. I suddenly remembered my mom and how early she left - and how i survived it. The time after her passing and the moment I have completely moved on. I remember the things I used to cry over with - and how funny they seem now. The funny concerns I have had when I was in high school and how stupid they seem now. 

Life's like that really, sakyan mo na lang. The fears that we have now would all be over and things would be better. 
Cliche, pero bahala na si Batman!   

I am afraid of what life has to offer because I really don't know what's ahead. And then it hit me, who really does know?

TRIP lang ang lahat, kaya dapat chill lang, kalma. 

Mabulag man ako o hindi, maging masaya man ang lovelife ko o hindi, what matters most really is 

how THIS VERY MOMENT is spent. 

As you know, tomorrow might not really any more come to me, so why fret. 

Let's LIVE, let's live in this moment!

***

to life, cheers!

scared to death

There is a cool song from KC Tandingan that belts these words out – in tunes so enduring and sensual I can’t help but feel it, too.

Well, the thing is, I have been scared to death the moment my right eye also suffered from what my left eye had suffered from. Does it scare me to be blind? YES. Does it scare me that my medications might give me its pay back? YES. And am I scared to live in a world where I might become nobody because, well, am sick – and worst, blind? YES.

The fear reaches its peak whenever my medications are low, and my emotion is down. Funny how a friend could turn an entire day around, but in the absence of a friend – or just any soul worth talking with, the emotions turn sour. I really find it funny, for a guy like me, to act like a preggy woman making lihi. Life, eh?

But the fears are actually becoming far more, really, real.

Now especially, that in spite my medications, my eyes seem to be stubborn enough to keep whatever these inflammations are. Sometimes I just really hope that, sige na, mabulag na kung mabulag and let’s have this over with. But most of the time, wag po muna. Wag na po.

It’s past twelve now, and I can’t find the slightest reason to sleep. Aside from because my medication is still in effect, my condition has been reminded to me yet again earlier today. Mahirap din subukan maging masaya kung di mo magawa yung mga gusto mo. This is really the saddest part. Another thing is that my friends, who are all over the world now are living the lives we’ve talked (and dreamed about) once. Asan ako?

Am so scared to death – and I just can’t help but cry.

No more tears are running down, but the pain is still there, and it scares me so much that one day I’d end up losing everything – everything na pinangrap ko.

(breathe in)

Inhale courage (and hope). 

 .

23rd

( I planned to post this on the 23rd of September, my birthday. But for reasons, I thought it might not be, you know, appropriate. But reading it again this afternoon, I have realized, this isn't really much of a self-pity post, it's my life now. so here you go...) 

I planned this year to be awesome – apparently it’s not.

I planned this coming birthday of mine as a blast, something worth remembering, but I guess this ain’t gonna be. I’d rather have a small, but meaningful, birthday celebration here at home. Pansit and some chiffon cake would be enough. But of course, I’d love to hear them sing happy birthday to me. Nothing much to expect; nothing much to look forward to; but should I say this would be my saddest birthday, I’d say no. this would be one of my most meaningful. And yes, this would also be something that’s really enlightened.

My family, the very family I have been so proud of has got issues, has got many little secrets that now I know. My sibs have got their issues too; all of them have got a thing or two that they keep dear to themselves. Others, with others. My niece and nephews are all growing, well, older now. And all of them promise a great future ahead. These things make my family, well, normal. It makes it complete – so perfectly flawed that I love it! These are the things that make my days, lately, full of reflections – and yes, new dreams.

Life at 23 is something that others look forward to. 

But do I have the courage now?      

(sigh) 

in the end...

(c) photo: http://instagram.com/pilyongbrenttzu

Monday The 13th

It's Monday here in the Philippines, and yet this doesn't fall on a rather ordinary day, well at least not in my category. The 16th of September has never been an ordinary day - since my Mom left. 

This year marks the 13th year of our loss. And God knows how much I miss her. The tears I have shed would never be enough, I guess. I just shed some earlier, yet again. Oh well, Mama has never been an easy topic. She was my star and my only hero then, well until now she holds a special place in my heart, and for that being she would forever be the only woman who can make me feel the way I do. 

I remember the last night we spent. Me and Papa were exhausted because of the long day we have had. We were all excited for bed after watching some TV flicks, and Mama was being the usual her, a bit tired, too. Never did I expect that it would be the last of her that I would see - alive and breathing. 

13 years have passed. These years all have had a pain in them whenever my Mama gets to be talked about. I miss her, I miss her a lot. There were times that even during my Junior year, I was still crying over thoughts of her. I guess when your Mom passes away, part of you also passes away. I have felt that, and now, yet again, I can feel it. There would always be that missing piece. I don't care how you might find this post cheesy, or even irrelevant, but this is my way of coping up and hopefully, living a better life - which Mama would have always wanted for me and her family. 

She was our greatest hero - our best friend and worst critic. She was my protector - and my teacher. I have always wanted her to teach me a thing or two. And I would forever be grateful for the moments we have had together. Although my time with her was the shortest, I know in my heart of hearts how much she liked me, how much we loved me. She was never the greatest of mothers, I know, but she did her best to be. And for that, calling her the BEST MAMA would never even be enough. She was more than that.

So days like this really give me a sad thought. Losing her that early was really tragic - but life has to move on and life has simply have to be. Where ever she in heaven, I know Mama watches me with pride and great joy. I might not be the perfect son she have always wanted to be - but I know I make her proud. I know I make her cry too, and laugh and be the mother she has always wanted to be over me. Even in her absence, I have always felt her guiding hands. And for that, I thank her way too much!

This post just really intends to shout to the world how loving my Mom was, my mama is. And for that I'd also like to ask for a little prayer from you, may she continue to be happy in heaven, where the angels and saints; and her Almighty Father celebrates the beauty of life and the life ever after with her.

      

#WeMissYouMama

standing on unfamiliar ground

This was originally posted last year on my deleted wordpress blog, and for the sake of sharing,  i would like to share this post again. #INSPIRE  

On my way to the movies yesterday, I dropped by the grocery to get something for me and (name deleted) to munch on. It was not a typical day as there was a rather thicker crowd due to the long weekend. I grabbed some chips and two sodas; and headed towards the express counter. It was taking ages there, apparently, so I decided to look for another counter.

And found a line that I have never imagined I would be falling into – ever.

But since things have changed; I found my toes standing on an unfamiliar ground; one that I am slowly accepting.

Since I look extremely normal with my glasses on, the sales lady reminded that the line was supposed to be for senior citizens and disabled. I took a deep breath and tried to speak up. But I mumbled. Surprisingly, even my body seems to deny it still. But I guess, she then noticed, that I was allowed to make my payments there.

I am one eyed, technically (and legally) visually impaired. But since I have lived a really normal life before I completely lost my left eye’s vision, I find it hard to adapt to new things, to new pesky and perky things.

I would like to think though, that lining up in a senior citizen/disabled lane was a perky thing. Not to mention, a very bold move, a move of acceptance for me.

The night before, a friend was asking my thoughts on how to rid off insecurities, on how to fully accept the person that she is. In response, I texted her this…

Ask. Accept. It’s a two step process, two hard steps though.

I guess, I can say that I know how this process works now, I mean better now. It is not a limitation to have such of this condition. Together with the many others differently-able out there, I am proud to say that we are; I am different. It is not really a weakness to be different. And yes we might require special treatment on certain cases, but that never warrants us the limitation. It does not make us weaker. But rather it makes us stronger; to be able to live quite like other normal individuals, in spite of our difference.

Acceptance is something that we give ourselves. It is not something that others would give us, it comes from within. Love the person that you are and the world would love you back – no questions asked.

on PAIN

Not one person deserves pain. Not one soul ought to suffer. It is unfair and unjust. Not even souls of most hateful deeds deserve pain. But why is the good usually afflicted? Why, he who has not wished evil upon his brethren, has to suffer excruciating pain?

I asked God. To no avail.

A RARE ROAD (Living with Behcet’s Disease)

If one day you wake up and discover that from that day on, you are to battle against a rare disease that might also one day take away your sight or your sanity; what would you do?

Cry? Perhaps the easiest way would be to sulk and find a little place on earth that could give you the best possible comfort. To quote one of my friends, to find a corner and find warmth, cry and forget about the world- even for just a while.

I did that. Many times I have taken comfort from my little corner on this earth. I have tried to forget its noise, about how painful my coming days are as I have Behcet’s Disease; I have tired to forget about all my fears, all my lost hopes, all these fading dreams.

But the tears would run dry, and in the end, such tears would fuel a fire that would ablaze warmer than you may have ever imagined. The gusto to live and continue, in spite of and despite of all the struggles that living with a rare disease entails, nothing would keep those burning desires.

If there is one new realization I could share from my recent ordeal, it is that;

in LIFE, not everything turn our way. So don’t bring an extra map - instead bring an extra gasoline - and let’s set this road on fire.

It’s all up to us at the end of the day. There are so many things that would come in between our dreams and where we are today. Plans – maps - and goals are nothing but guides; but the real purpose of life is the adventures we reap.

Nobody said it would be easy. Although there would be conventional roads but mostly there are rare roads. These are where the sick and afflicted, the judged, the misunderstood, the victims and all those who carry a far more colorful slate traverse. It is not a sad road. In spite of the physical pain and the emotional roller coasters of living with a rare disease - our road is like but like any road. But be proud, because mostly it’s the brightest - because the bravest and the warmest of souls travel here.

Cheers to life!

nais kong muling maging kinse.

( A rePost from my old blog )

Nais kong muling maging kinse.

Nais kong tumakbo sa ulan, maglaro ng patentero at magtaguan sa malamig na semento ng lungsod na ito. Muling gumamit ng backpack at sumakay sa likod ng pick-up truck, maligo sa kung saan resort pagkatapos ng klase. Nais kong sumuka sa gulong ng kotse, pumasok sa bintana kung gabi at matulog sa bahay ng kung sinong katoto. Mais kong maglaro ng video game sa computer shop tapos maubusan ng pamasahe pauwi.


Kumain ng ice cream sa tabi ng daan at mag habulan sa high way. Magmotor, kumarera at muling sumemplang sa kanto. Nais kong mag habulan sa loob ng imburnal na tuyo at maglaro ng holen sa kung saan my lupa. Gusto kong muling maging taya sa syato’t mapikon sa laro ng piko. Magka band aid sa siko matapos sumakay sa bisekletang walang brake.

Kumain ng fishball tapos barbeque bago manood ng liga sa barangay. Gusto kong muling mag gate crash sa JS ng public school na malapit sa bahay. Mag star gazing sa bubong at muling matakot bumaba sa hagdang gawa sa kawayan. Umakyat sa puno ng mangga at mag kunwaring marunong talaga. Nais kong mahigang muli sa bermuda sa elementary school tapos manood ng mga ulap na tumatakbo. Muling makipag-away sa pinsan kong sunog. Nais kong maligo sa poso tapos makipagbasaan ng tubig sa mga kalaro. Gusto kong muling magswimming sa pool ng kakilala matapos mag cut ng klase. Magdala ng portable DVD at manood ng mga scandal at magtawanan sa loob ng classroom. Magparamihan ng jokes sa celphone at muling mapagalitan ng librarian. Magkunwaring magreresearch pero Facebook pala inaatupag.



Tumakas papuntang Legaspi at mahuli ng teacher kong layas din. Kumupit para mabili ang gustong Tshirt. Mangapit bahay para manood ng pelikula at masarahan ng pinto kasi gabing gabi na. Nais kong muling sumubok mag skate, at sana’y di na muling mabalian ng kaliwang braso dahil sa sementadong rampa. Maglaro sa arcade at muling pagmasimple sa paghatak sa ticket. Bumili ng mga transferable tattoo at magyabang na henna ito. Maki share ng shower room sa best friend at subukang mag yosi. Gusto kong mag videoke, kumanta ng Westlife at ng Celine Dion. Pumunta ng riles at lumubog sa putikang fishpond. Pumuntang perya tapos umuwing walang pera. Gusto kong muling kiligin kasi flirt din sya, at lalo’t higit jacket lang ang suot nya. Gusto kong magsimba kasi wala lang. Kumain ng goto pagkatapos ng klase sa gilid ng paradahan ng jeep, o di kaya’y dumayo sa may central para lang sa shake at halo-halo. Gusto kong muling mag round the bottle.

Nais kong muling maging kinse.
Hindi pa naman ganun matagal ang limang taong lumipas, ngunit bakit tila kay tagal na?

Nais kong muling maglaro, nais kong muling maging kinse.

And get the oxytocin flowing...

I have been basically feeling good lately. Living with Bechets Disease for almost two years now, I am at a state that we call remission phase. Googling that word would lead you to articles saying that the symptoms of cancer has had subsided, for a while or for good. So in a note, this is phase of good days and happy mornings. 

So why do I need OXYTOCIN? You might me asking. Thing is, its actually a brain chemical that's associated with trust and attachment. In other words, it is something that makes us feel we are being intimate with a special individual. That my friend is what I have been craving for, really craving for lately. 

Aside from the physical aspect of intimacy, which I have had been able to satisfy in lots of ways in my recent past. My need now for intimacy is more primal. I simply seek a hand to hold, a shoulder to lean on and a heart that would be willing to hear my heart out. 

I did some reading about this topic and found on Oprah.com, an article that tickled some thoughts in me. 

 Men, however, often regard intimacy as working or playing side-by-side. Sure, they might discuss a bad week at work, even troubles in their love lives. But rarely do they share their secret dreams and darkest fears. (When they do, they often use "joke speak," camouflaging their feelings with humor.) And men almost never look deeply into each other's eyes. Their approach to intimacy probably also harks back to prehistory: Picture ancestral males gathering behind a bush, quietly staring across the grass in hopes of felling a passing buffalo. They faced their enemies but sat next to their friends. 
This is why, to build intimacy with a man, I do things with him—side-by-side. That way, when I talk, he isn't threatened by my gaze. 

Read full article here: http://www.oprah.com/relationships/Building-Intimacy-Gender-Differences-in-Intimacy

Relate-able! I found myself nodding on some thoughts I have found over quite a few online journals. I simply really seek for more intimacy, for connection and feeling of being able to share a part of me to a person who's willing to accept all of which.

Although I truly agree when Helen said: 

Men get a blast of it when they kiss, women feel a rush when they hold a lover's hand, and during orgasm, both partners are flooded with the powerful substance. So last but not least, enjoy each other physically. Good sex really does build intimacy.

More than looking for a hook up, my heart really seeks for the real thing. I want coffee dates, movie dates at home, I want to watch the stars and waste Saturday nights with someone. I seek for laughter, for happy tears and all those things you get from having been truly connected.  

So yes, as I have promised in my post before this, 

this my friend is a confession of how isolated I feel lately

and how much INTIMACY, I know I need.  

*** 

Have a great weekend, folks!

i think i need INTIMACY, back

This is a post that's currently being researched on, 

debated and deliberated in my hearts conference room. 

haha

so while the process of putting words in what I have been feeling, 

strongly feeling lately, 

allow this pic to somehow give you an idea where am now

:) have a great weekend ahead, folks! 

thank you, Warm Bodies

For weeks now, I have been thinking about probably using a fictional character to describe my rare health condition. I was going for a vampire. I have been quite sure that I might actually play with lots of the premises presented by the concept of Edward Cullen, immortality, a blood disease and unquenchable thirst and so on and so forth. In my heart of hearts, I did think that am a vampire at my own right.

But things changed, thanks to Warm Bodies.

I personally don’t find the movie’s plot too compelling. It even seemed too no brainer. But the way R (played by my ex, Nicholas Hoult, lols) was quite compelling. It was only his character, and I’d say, the actor’s great portrayal, that took the entire movie to a level that’s enjoyable.

R was so relatable! His emptiness was so lifelike. It took me about six months after I miss it on the silver screens (have only rented the movie days ago) to finally confirm that the compelling tumblr posts about the movie were true. Bottom line, I did see myself in lots of the issues that R portrayed of having. And since am a sucker for romance, it was amazing how real and simple were his intentions to connect, to be able to find a soul to share his ‘life’ with. I also like the thought that he became ‘human’ at the end. 
He became vulnerable to pain and found it such a bliss.

I am a Zombie, sort of. That emptiness had me captured. The opening lines of R were like echoes of my own. It was really funny hearing him fuss about things that extends to my reality. 

Who does not seek connection, huh?

In the end, it would be hard to relate my health condition to being a zombie. Being a vampire still tops the list, but with many things, like I have said, am also a Zombie. Much of my social issues are R’s issues too. And I like how he was able to solve them when he found his girl. I just hope to soon meet mine, too.

As for now, I’d roam around this airport and collect good records.  

Tolerance Is Different With Acceptance / #LGBTRespect

Thanks to Charice’s coming out, am again writing something about the LGBT community. But this post would not talk about such issue, to bash or to support, but rather, I would like to point out a thing…

Tolerance is different with acceptance.

Although the Philippines, and the world as a whole, has started to seem to have finally, slowly accepted gays (and lesbians, bisexuals, etc) it saddens me to realize (and feel, yes it hurts) that many are actually simply tolerating.

Acceptance is a genuine embrace. It is unconditional and is born of, and borne of love. It does not question, it asks and clarifies, but it does not question. A person accepted, is a person loved – for all he/she is. It is an act of communion with all his facets; his good foot and all his flaws. Acceptance inspires growth and development, but it never encourages imposition of which or what you may deem is proper. As you know not all proper is right, nor all right is proper. Acceptance builds relationships, deeper and firmer. It does not cause pain nor inflict unuttered pain. As I would say it again, acceptance is a full embrace – like that of a mother to her child.  

Acceptance is one thing that not everybody is able to give, especially to guys like us of the third sex; or to those of different color, religion or to persons of different belief as opposed to the majority. It is one thing that we pray for – and parade for.

What is given, most of the time is simply tolerance, but not really acceptance. Tolerance my friend, is when you say it is okay to be gay but wrong to cross dress. That, lesbians are far more dirty, filthy and unacceptable than your gay guy friends. It is when one accepts – conditionally. To tolerate, is to think and believe that one is doing wrong and that he would soon be choosing to be good. It is loving a person’s other side and secretly loathing the other. It is saying Charice did a stupid choice cutting her hair short and looking like a male. (dude, so what? It is her preference.) Tolerance is thinking like, Aiza is better off than Charice because (put the reason here). It is a kind of love that does not see beyond ones personal biases, thus to speak, it is a tainted kind of love. Tolerance is but a faked smile given to a person you do not genuinely intend to smile at. It is like a foster mom's embrace to a newly orphaned kid, the intentions and the love might be there, but nothing compares to the real thing.

If it would be too much to ask; but unless it is acceptance you are ready to give to those different from you, better not. A forced hug would always feel less warm, if not cold.

Like I have always said, never undermine a gay guy’s persona, for just like you, he/she has gone so much, maybe even so much more than you, just to be able to come at peace with himself and the fact that he is different. Different, but never less, thus is worth of acceptance, and not mere tolerance.

oxXxo

Share this post guys, or let me know your thoughts. 

xOx

because I know I'd be better, #SOON

I try my best to not fuss about my health. Aside from looking like someone who’s throwing a pity-party, it is not also anyone’s business, so I just keep it to myself, most of the time. I have long learned that in life, nobody really cares. We’re all focused with our personal concerns, own insecurities and problems and personal victories that we really are not capable of truly being there for anyone. It is just another fact of human life; we’d never fully understand anyone unless we step into their shoes.

 (PS. am not jaded with LOVE, lols)

So let me be selfish with this post and allow me to think and talk aloud about myself – and my concerns.

It is hard living differently; it is hard being different per se. Much of my thoughts, since the day I have been redirected into a life way too different from the one I have planned, are covered with fear. Day in, day out. I live and breathe fear. Fear of what getting a worse strain after a medication, fear of loosing entirely my vision, fear of being left unattended (I know that sounded irrational, chuckles), fear of being a burden to my family, fear of going though extreme side effects. I fear, a lot - you got the picture.  

Of course I try to be positive and up for the sunny side, but the fact is that, like most afflicted, there is a silent sad retreat to fear – every time we’re confined to ourselves. There is a sad recollection of the things that used to be, when our health has not yet limited our capacity. Sometimes, there is also that sad revision of dreams forgone – all because things are different now.

I am not going to exhaust the average life expectancy – but that does not sadden me, it’s the thought of being not able to do the things I want to – within the length left of me. Every day I pray for strength – for more of which, so that I’d be at least, be able to take full celebration of what’s granted.

I have not lost the gusto to live – although this post might sound a bit sad and melancholic, my heart actually beams with hope. Gratitude for each day lived and hope, dire hope, for a better tomorrow.

 ***

hope+

  

  

  

      

bye summer. hello rain.

bye summer. 

hello rain.

***

though I have no power to bask in the sun anymore, 

the bright sunny days are really my favorite days of the year

now's the time again to put on some warmers and sip hot, hot soups

see you soon again summer

'til we meet again

***

brent tzu

follow me on my twitter account @pilyongBrentTzu

Birthday Cakes and Suicide Letters

There are things in life that, perhaps, we will never really understand – no matter how hard we try. There are things that are never meant to me answered, things never meant to be questioned, to be asked. These are things that we accept – things we hug and dearly take, no matter the pain.

Today is my youngest niece’s 1^st birthday. It has been planned that come this Saturday, we’d throw the conventional birthday party that kids turning one would usually get. But baby Hannah won’t this time.

As much as we would like to celebrate life and the joy of having her in ours, it would be improper to raise a Martini and say kampai (cheers) with a grieving heart.

My eldest extended pamangkin (nephew) on my sis-in-law’s side just took his own life. The news came to me just before I tucked myself to sleep last night. It was just a few hours (Canadian time) after he was found – cold and lifeless.

 

On days like this, it would be improper to ask why. It would even be inappropriate to say everything’s gonna be okay, because things are not. In the coming days the family would be busy and the drag of giving him the last rites he deserves would probably consume most of the time.

And then when things are back to normal, or at least to how it is supposed to be. Only then, questions would be answered – or at least tried to be; only then would tears become really painful.

Was it a brave surrender? Or was it a plain loss of hope? Was it something he has wanted or was it something that life itself has pushed him into? Was he sad in the last breathe he took? Or was he thankful that it would be the last?

You know what is more painful? It’s could we have done a thing to make it not happen?

Thing is, we’ll never know. Everybody dies – some with their own hands. What matters now is the life he has lived; the joy he has imparted, the moments of love he has shared with those special to him and everything sunny he has had. Pain would be there, but I believe in the beauty of every individual – and the life he (had) live(d).

To yet another brave man I know…

… cheers to life! (and yes, death)   

  

   

because am going to die…

I do believe that I would die young, well at least younger than my peers. I won’t be throwing a pity-me party on this post, but pardon me for sounding like am. For the record, I am not.

I simply would like to share my thoughts… 

on life – and on death.

I have stumbled upon a blog last week that has an interesting title, because am going to die. 

The sick guy in me assumed that perhaps he might me like those I know, sick and dying, thus are seriously writing in the hope of immortalizing themselves, or at least the memory of the simple short life they have lived – or maybe, just for mere expression.

Turned out he was not, is not.

It is weird actually to hear a guy talking about the possibility of death – without having befriended a life-threatening experience. Or perhaps, he has – and am simply assuming he has none. Bottom line, he sees life in a perspective that’s uncommon – and that’s cool, if not dorkish and weird.

On my way to work today, waking up from a rather dull weekend, I was thinking about how ‘normal’ is. I was wondering how is it to live ‘normal’. I was even pondering on the thought that people could really not understand, unless cancer becomes a part of the family, until death becomes a friend. People would sympathize, but they would never understand the fear guys like me have, they would never understand the profundity of loss – until it is them who have lost. So how would I be understood?

I was bugged by these thoughts and I was, am pretty much disturbed.

Dreams are fun, but if you are not assured of yet another day, dreams can sometimes be burdensome. There are times that it is best to stay and lay still – breathe and fall asleep in the comfort that perhaps the next day would be better.

This guy talks about life – and death, like he has been touched by the fear of loss, befriended by death and yes, awakened everyday by the possibility of dying. He can understand my thoughts – am guessing. And that gives me hope – that possibly someone out there would understand. Somebody would relate and see the real story behind my tale-telling.

And so today, I breathe in extra inspiration…

.. cheers to live, or at least to today. 

you would always be my super mom

12 years of celebrating mother's day without you...
and each year, though the pain slowly subsides...
my love for you would always be the same.

I am still your little boy,
and you would always be my super mom.

I LOVE YOU MAMA,
happy mother's day!

Passports and Past Lives

We live different lives now, apparently.

Although I am aware that after Ateneo things would change. Have I imagined that it would be like this? No. The two past years have been harsh. I have never expected that my life would turn around – so fast and so drastic, not even tears could appease my wounded soul.

Last weekend, I have been reminded, yet again, of my status. Reminded that, things have changed and the past has passed and our lives have come to the point where we part ways.

My best friend has a life way different with mine now. Although it is not right to ask her to ‘wait’ as I fix myself and prepare to bounce back, the feeling of being left behind is just so hard to bear. Because of my health condition, I had to let go of many things. Work opportunities, travel and getaways, night outs and many others.    

Passports

I used to dream of going to Batanes with a very special friend. But since things have changed, I had to let go of that dream. And now, yet again, I have to let go of another. She has to chase her dreams, see more places and yes, stamp more countries on her passport. 

While I, have to recuperate and hope and pray that I totally become better.

Past Lives

If there is something I have picked up from my recent facilitating stint at the Ateneo, that would be, LIFE IS AS EASY AS ABC. Awareness bridges Change. It is only after one becomes aware that change shall occur. The dreams we have made are far gone, those are but parts of my past life. And since things have changed, since my health condition has limited me, so shall my dreams. This should not stop me from dreaming though, only, I should revise my goals and make them work within the situation that I am at – now.

People come and go – and the world turns. So it is not right to cling on the past and hope that everything planned would go our way. Let’s celebrate life, day in, day out. 

Keep dreams in our hearts – but change them as we go along the way. 

The adventure is far more fun, when we stir the wheels out of the road.

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Have a great Tuesday guys!

Turn Down

I turned downed a guy days ago...

and, though I wish not to further elaborate,

I'd like to share some of the lines I gave away that night.

( Can you love someone knowing that you will lose him in the end? )

( If you know that you'll get hurt, or hurt someone. Then why still try? Sometimes, He who knows how to surrender is braver. )

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have a happy week ahead!

hugs xOx

#SUNNIER

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SCREW IT, 

AM NOT INLOVE :D